Welcome to the Animal World jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Man v. cat |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 8 0
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat
him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then
left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm
lost! and need directions!"
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| This is what should happen to ALL CATS! |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 4 2
This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!
HOW TO WASH THE CAT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both
lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will
self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will
be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash"
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where
he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
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| An old lady owned two monkeys... |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 1 1
An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died,
so she took them to the taxodermist.
"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.
To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."
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| The Insensitive Gorilla |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 1 0
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front
of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that
the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the
fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and
makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized,
and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?"
she asks.
She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"
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| Why does an elephant have four feet? |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 1 1
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because it would look silly with six inches.
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| A Duck walks into a bar... |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 1 1
A Duck walks into a bar.
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any
F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail
your F*****g bill to this bar.
.....
............
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
Sent by Duncan
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| Why did the cactus cross the road? |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 1 1
Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the dumb chicken
Sent by Robbie
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| Why do gorillas have big noses? |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 1 1
Why do gorillas have big noses?
Because they have big fingers.
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| Snake joke |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 1 0
First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.
Second snake:Why?
First snake:Because I bit my lip!
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| What are 3 problems about being an egg? |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
What are 3 problems about being an egg?
You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face
is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.
|
| Two neighbors had been fighting each other... |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for
nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and
teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the
bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a
half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being
ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
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| Footless Parrot |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
Footless Parrot
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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| Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping? |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.
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| A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years... |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the
pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a
female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?
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| A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot... |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him
two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is
$10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in
the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
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| There were two cows in a paddock... |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.
The first cow said "Moo."
And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."
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| A farmer comes home with a lively young bull... |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls
have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old
times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,
he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of
the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,
"Why are you doing that?"
The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"
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| You know why a dog licks his ass? |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
You know why a dog licks his ass?
Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
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| Almost no diffenrence |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
"What's the difference between the North American porcupine
and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the
zookeeper.
"The principal difference is the North American species has a
longer prick."
This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who
stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo
manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate
choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the
North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their
pricks are just about the same size."
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| What do you call a dog with no legs? |
Category: Animal WorldRating: 0 0
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Hehe...it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway!
Sent by Melissa
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