Welcome to the Elderly jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 1 1
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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| Seventy year old George went for his annual physical... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 1 1
Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at
peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up
in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then
poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
|
| An old man goes into the Social Security Office... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 1 1
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
|
| One night, an 87-year-old woman... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 1 1
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
|
| 97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him
down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior
citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions
slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some
decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry
or become upset about it, but should just relax and
things will probably be completely fine and
blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "When
did you first begin to think you were impotent?"
"Three times last night, and again this morning."
|
| Sweet, Sweet Road Rage |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and
bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do
that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you
can do when you're old and rich!"
|
| Elderly romance |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement
home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex
with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex
with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room,
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll
never forget."
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the
romantic night in my room, eh?"
The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
|
| Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in
back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night
and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the
restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's
the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last
night?"
|
| You Can Never Really Go Back |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the
breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
here at this breakfast
table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years
ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you
now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in
you oatmeal!"
|
| At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.
Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl
could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed
replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."
|
| Orange penis |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong
with me. My dick is orange."
The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He
has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted
anything orange.
The old man said "No."
The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently
been exposed to any chemicals at work.
The old man said "No, I'm retired."
The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any
chemicals in his garage.
The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit
around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...
|
| Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for
HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at
their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be
tested after annual sex!"
|
| Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be
upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."
|
| A peculiar dress |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty
thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run
naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.
Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy
& Betty wearing?" "I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed
ironing."
|
| A use for Viagra |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."
|
| What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma? |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
|
| Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda
of the old folks
home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa
Rabinowitz rocks forward in
his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"
Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa,
"Fuck you too!"
Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging
more forward
again.
Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again."
This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know
something,
Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
|
| An old woman came into her doctors office |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing
problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and
they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than
twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for
seven days and comeback and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I
don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting
just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?".
"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed
your
sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
|
| An elderly man goes into a brothel... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
|
| A man was walking down the street when he noticed... |
Category: ElderlyRating: 0 0
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
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