Welcome to the Miscellaneous Jokes jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Which Syndrome? |
Category: Miscellaneous Jokes
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."
Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "so what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong." |
| Where I Come From |
Category: Miscellaneous Jokes
Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .22. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!" he shouts, "That was good tequila!"
The Texan replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that."
The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!" he hollers.
The Californian replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that."
The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun. Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender is now shaking with rage.
"What the **** did you do that for!?!" he roars.
"Well," answers the Coloradoan, "where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians." |
| The Pope And The Queen |
Category: Miscellaneous Jokes
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
|
| Dealing With Snoring |
Category: Miscellaneous Jokes
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.''
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'' ''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine. ''How'd you manage that?'' asked the manager. ''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the Marine explained. ''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.''
|
| A Nun In A Taxi |
Category: Miscellaneous Jokes
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'' |
| Wandering Dog |
Category: Miscellaneous Jokes
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' |
| Hungry Monkey |
Category: Miscellaneous Jokes
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" |
| Last Present |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 9 0
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed
with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIMES
UP?" |
| Vacuum Cleaner Salesman |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 7 0
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite,
because the electricity was cut off this morning." |
| The Poopie List |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 6 0
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
|
| Right up your... |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 6 0
There was a black man, a white man, and a chinese man. They were wondering in the middle of nowhere trying to find a place to sleep. The black man looked at the white man and said, "It's your fault we ain't got no place to stay." The white man says, "How?" "Because you bought a 2002 mustang for your son," said the black man. The white man replied, "Well you spent our savings on 100 cases of fried chicken and kool-aid!" The chinese man didn't say a word, he only pointed. Then they all looked and saw that there was a farm with a small white house. They hurried up to the door and knocked generously. Just then a huge man steps out of the door. "What do you want," he said. They all asked the farmer could he spare them a warm place to stay for the night. The farmer said that it was okay just as long as they didn't steal any food from his crops. He let them sleep in the barn with the animals. After the farmer left the barn the black man shot up and said, "C'mon yall lets try to find something to eat." "We'd better not," said the chinese man. "The white man said, "Why not? He won't notice a few apples or potatoes missing." It made sense to them so they quietly went out into the fields and began to pick everything in sight. What they hadn't planned on was the farmer being there. (Click, Click)The farmer pointed his shotgun at the three men. He said he ought to shoot them for disobeying him after he gave them a place to sleep. "Instead of shooting you, being that you're hungry and all, I'll let each of you pick out your favorite fruit and come back with it," said the farmer. The three men were excited. First the white man came back with some grapes. Secondly the black man came back with some oranges. The farmer said, "Okay, white man, I want you to take those grapes and shove them up your a**!" The white shook his head but the farmer cocked his shotgun again. He did as he was told. Next, the black man's face was turning white. "You know what to do," said the farmer. The black man had to follow through. He screamed during the whole process. He said, "Is there a draft in here? I ain't got no butt crack, I got a butt canyon." Then the farmer said, "Where's that chinese fellow?" The two men looked at each other and fell out laughing. The farmer said, "What are you laughing at?" "The black man said, "The chinese man is in the watermelon patch!" |
| 3 Men |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 5 0
3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.
"It's your lucky day!" said the genie. "Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it."
The first man jumped and said "Budweiser!" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.
The second man jumped and said "Coke!" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.
The third man jumped and said...
"Weeeeeeeee!!" |
| Kinds Of Sex |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 5 0
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not
least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own. |
| Where's The Supply |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 4 0
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
'SUPPLIES!!'
|
| Blind Pilots |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 4 0
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
|
| Grown-Up Words |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 4 0
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
|
| Ice Fishing |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 4 0
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen
many books on the subject, and finally, after
getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the nearest frozen body of water.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cut
yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to
the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool,
and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward,
and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No...this is the manager
of the hockey rink..."
|
| Educating Parrots |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 4 0
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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| Doctor Qualities |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 3 0
First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!" |
| Research Project |
Category: Miscellaneous JokesRating: 3 0
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand." |
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