Welcome to the Political Jokes jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Retirement Bonus |
Category: Political JokesRating: 7 0
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam." |
| Common Similarities |
Category: Political JokesRating: 3 1
What do George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common?
English is their second language. |
| Artificial Intelligence |
Category: Political JokesRating: 2 0
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States." |
| Connection To Hell |
Category: Political JokesRating: 1 0
During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call |
| Clintons at a ball game |
Category: Political JokesRating: 1 0
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered something in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
|
| So That Is Politics |
Category: Political JokesRating: 1 0
A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thinks a little and says, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."
|
| Presidential Bird |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" "Well, ma'am," the manager explained, "not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed. Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed. Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, "Hi, Bill!" |
| Republican and Democrat |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five. |
| Arnold- the composer |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
|
| Animal Bureaucrats |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agreed he was smart.
The accountant called, "Sliderule, do your stuff". The pooch went to the kitchen, got a dozen cookies and made four stacks of three. Everyone was impressed.
The chemist called, "Beaker, do your stuff." The dog went to the fridge for a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The bureaucrat called, "Coffee Break,do your stuff!". Coffe Break ate the cookies, drank the milk, chewed the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave. |
| Democrat On The Porch |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
|
| The Cannibal |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?”
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning.” |
| Tragedy |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.
The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".
So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
"That's wrong," Kerry says. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"You are completely incorrect" says the Senator. "That would be what we
would consider a great loss".
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic !" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"
|
| Kerry Fan |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.
Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
|
| Brain Transplant |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"
|
| President Acts God |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
|
| Dear Abby |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently
being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his
three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with
her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's
where I need your advice.
Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
|
| Bridge To Success |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got
together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and
asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so
the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the
Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since
we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something
world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in
this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back
to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and
worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to
the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected
in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why
you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the
desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,
"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new
one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly.
When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all
these Italians fishing off it."
|
| Hillary's Visit |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
|
| Doctors Chat |
Category: Political JokesRating: 0 0
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work." |
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