Welcome to the Relationship jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Mother of Six! |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six " in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
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| Going Down French Style! |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing??!"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
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| So Much Fun |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.
"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"
"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.
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| 100 Camels |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
As US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.
An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," Morris replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he said.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?
Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
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| Male assertiveness |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
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| Ancient Chinese Torture |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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| Encyclopaedia Britannica |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows F**king everything.
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| A Day At The Fair |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."
"Fred, that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars," Ethel replied.
The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the ten dollars."
Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word."
"Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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| Soybeans |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
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| I Won The Lottery! |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The wife says, "Oh my god! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The husband yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"
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| Dress Shop Burglary |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
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| A Hundred Bucks Each |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.
"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.
"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.
"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.
They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves.
A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.
Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
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| Anniversary Gift |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.
"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.
"No, not really," Sylvia responds.
"Well, how about a new Porche?" asks Ron.
"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.
"No," says Sylvia.
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.
"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.
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| Money Talks! |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
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| Second Opinion |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
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| Social Security |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
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| Extra Office Work |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
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| A Last Request |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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| I Want to Kill My Husband |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says... "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
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| Crafty Mom |
Category: RelationshipRating: 0 0
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
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