Welcome to the Roads and Driving jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Radar Gun Error |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 1 0
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:
Each for not wearing a seat belt!
|
| One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm
the Designated Decoy."
|
| A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled, "Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied,
"Bitch!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.
|
| Two bikers were talking at a bar... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
Two bikers were talking at a bar.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"
|
| After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and
insane regulations at the department of motor vehiciles, a lady stopped at
a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "
I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehical bureau. I am way past
sane!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you
going back there?"
|
| There was a man and woman traveling along in their car... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was
driving when a
police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and
says "Did you
know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said
to her husband
"What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said
"He said I was
speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?" The man replied
"Chicago" The
wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to
his wife and said,
"He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "Shit,
you know, I had
my worst fuck ever in Chicago." The lady then says "What did he say,
what did he say?"
The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."
|
| A Britt in South Africa was enjoying a ride... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A Britt in South Africa was enjoying a ride in his European car when an
American zoomed by in a Corvette.
The Britt cursed, while the Corvette disappeared in the distance. The
American chap however saw an Afrikaner struggling uphill on his stripped
peddle bike. Just the bare essentials and a large bell, thats all the poor
guy had.
He stopped and offered the Afrikaner a lift. "No thank you sir here in
South Africa we don't sit in a car with white folks."
"In that case let me towe you up hill."
They agreed and the Corvette slowly pulled the Afrikaner up hill. Just then
the Britt passed him in his white European car B Leland, no less, and stuck
his middle finger in the air and waved menacingly. The American got mad,
forgot he was towing the Afrikaner, and took off like a lightning bolt.
Going down hill they spotted a Police Car and slowed down some. The Trooper
yanked his mike from the holder and shouted. "Look out for a white British
B Leland followed by a Corvette and an Afrikaner behind ringing the bell
trying to pass both. Lock him up."
|
| Safest Way to Drive |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
Safest Way to Drive
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
|
| A note exchange |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment,
and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket,
I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
|
| A guy was pulled over by a cop... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A guy was pulled over by a cop.
The cop says to the guy you're eyes are bloodshot
have you been drinking. The guy says tothe cop
you're eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts
Sent by paul
|
| A man is driving down the freeway... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that
says; "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy was
interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.
"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.
"Nope! Sorry play again".
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the
same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was
really ticked:
"This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to
have free sex!" He screamed.
"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times
last week alone!"
|
| In the midst of a veritable downpour... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw
a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and
couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her,
and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little
lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake
up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."
|
| Whats the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vaccum? |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
Whats the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vaccum?
- With a vaccum, the dirtbags on the inside
|
| A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't
usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty
woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to
her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever
helped out of a ditch".
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.
|
| A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him
"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"
He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
"Nonsence how can you be so precise"
"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."
|
| Two guys are driving through Texas when... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"
|
| Juggler, driving to his next performance... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
'What are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer.
'I juggle them in my act.'
Oh yeah?' says the cop. 'Let's see you do it.'
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, 'Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look
at the test they're making you do now!'
|
| A truck driver breaks down and... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give
him hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted
on his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's a
conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots
of pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so he
paints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking so
he picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks him
what it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"
|
| A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when
his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop.
He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me,
but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?" The clerk leans
against the counter and thinks for a while. Finally he says, "Sure...that
sounds like a fair trade."
|
| A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder... |
Category: Roads and DrivingRating: 0 0
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral
van for the last 25 years.
|
Pages:
|
|
