Welcome to the Tests jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Playing with your mind |
Category: TestsRating: 1 0
This is so cool.
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go
back and count them again. See below...
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost
everybody.
Robert
|
| THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT CONSENT FORM |
Category: TestsRating: 1 0
Name:______________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY
No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________ HOME PHONE
No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________ OFFICE PHONE
No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:
_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: __________________
other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
shoulder: _______________________
waist: __________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,
appliances,
etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining
apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:
____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to
performance rating and evaluation.
|
| APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Sent by Alex
|
| Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz? |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?
1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.
2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)
3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)
4. What do M&Ms do?
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?
6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)
7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)
8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)
9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words)
10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?
11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)
12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)
13. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)
14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)
15. Where have all the flowers gone?
16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)
17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!
18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ..." (5 words)
19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?
20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?
21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words)
And he lied!
22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ..." (2 words)
23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)
24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)
25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)
26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!
27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ..." (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:
1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. "... why, because we like you."
10. nothing but a smile!
11. "a little dab will do ya."
12. over 30!
13. "...who wrote the book of love"
14. "absolutely nothing!"
15. "long time passing"
16. "the American way"
17. "Joe Nameth", aka "Broadway Joe", aka "Joe Willie".
18. "...'cause I eats me spinach."
19. Mary Martin.
20. "Plastic"
21. Dick Nixon.
22. "Big John"
23. on blueberry hill.
24. "...wherever you are."
25. "Good night, David."
26. "...pants on fire."
27. "You're on Candid Camera."
|
| Spice Girls Application Form |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
Need a change? Here's the Spice Girls Application Form . . .
Name:
Age:
Real Age:
1. How would you describe yourself?
a. An energetic self starter
b. A team player
c. Pro-active
d. A tasty bit of crumpet
2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt?
3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred?
4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music
industry?
a. Yes
b. No
5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar?
6. Does nudity bother you? If so give three excuses for your
portfolio.
7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!!
6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts?
a. Yes
b. No
8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname:
a. Sexy
b. Nasty
c. Sweetie
d. Eezie
e. Syphilis
f. Olde
10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image:
a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
b. Tub of lard
c. Bloke in a tracksuit
d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
e. Terrifying to small children and old men
f. All of the above
11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever?
a. Yes
b. No
12. Elvis Costello is________________.
a. the king of rock and roll
b. former partner to Bud Abbott
c. Ollet Socsivle backwards
d. oh, you know, this guy
13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and
75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini?
14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness?
a. Yes
b. No
15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose
continuously.
16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job.
|
| A little game |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
A game
check this out! It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat!
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going!
Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you
scroll down.
Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal.
Say it out loud as you scroll down.
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are
not using to scroll down.
Take the last finger you counted with, shove it up your ass, and get back
to work, you stupid game playing bastard!
Sent by Zena
|
| What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting... |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?
Shake hands
|
| Work this out |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!
It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the
bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to
go out to dinner.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you
haven't, add 1747.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
see below:
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times
you want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!!!
It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread
the
joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy it.
|
| Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal? |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?
As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five
points.
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
five points.
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten
points.
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for
every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're
normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
an apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? Three points.
Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
will notice.
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
you away.
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider
a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office
instead.
|
| UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
|
| Application For Permission To Date My Daughter |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
Application For Permission To Date My Daughter
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
Name:______________________________________________________
Date of Birth:________________
Height:_____________________
Weight:______
IQ:___________________________
GPA:_____________
Social Security Number:_____
Driver's License Number:______
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Telephone:____________________
Home Address:______________________________________________
City:_______________________
State:________________________
Zip:_____________
1.Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:
2.Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____
3.Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____
4.Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
5.Do youi have a tattoo? ____
If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.
6.In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?
7.In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter mean to you?
8.In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?
9.In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?
10.Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
How often do you attend: ____________________________
11.When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
12.Please fill in the blanks:
a.If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
b.If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
c.A woman's place is in the ____________________________
d.The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
e.When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________
Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised
13.What do you want to be if you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of
death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6
years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never
apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
|
| How Smart Are You? |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
How Smart Are You?
------------------
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
QUESTIONS
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
|
| McDonnell Douglas Customer Survey |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
CUSTOMER SURVEY
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website,
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company,
of course, does not have a sense of humour and made the web department
take it down immediately.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment; please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......
4. Serial Number: ...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Panama
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate
all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Nice Person
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Work At Post Office
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and
mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will
be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our War Not Peace Sweepstakes!
|
| Women with Weapons |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose
to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's
self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
images into a more proper perspective.
Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on
it that says:
"The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
1. All you'll ever need.
2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
violence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise"
where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm
only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,
Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
reply:
1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered
to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut
Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs
!
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What's a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define "male."
1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only
one letter short of "male violence."
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need
to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women
everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products
as Mace and CapStun belong?
1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the
male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat
secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
upraised. How many shots should you fire?
1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice
moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms
industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the
first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance
like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your
feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were "1":
This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will
indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when
the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were "2":
Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full
12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men
now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
* If 8 or more of your answers were "3":
Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but
Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in
"Bride of Rambo".
|
| The Cop Quiz |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
The Cop Quiz
By -=ShoEboX=-
(This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)
Are you ready to be pulled over? Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn't like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker? Take this
simple quiz and find out!
Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over. Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each. Check your answers at the end.
1. Do you know why I'm pulling you over, son/maam?
a. No, sir.
b. Because you're lonely?
c. To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
d. Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
e. Because you wanted a donation to your police station? (Handing him
a fifty or two)
f. Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
g. Because I'm pedaling too fast?
h. Because I'm Ice-T?
2. Can I see your license and registration?
a. Yes sir. (handing them over)
b. Can I see your high school diploma? Oh, I forgot...you're a cop.
c. Wanna see pictures too? (pulling a string of family photos out of
your wallet) Here's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her...oh,
how did THAT picture get in here?
d. I don't have a license, and this car is stolen.
e. (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
it to him)
3. Would you mind stepping out of the car?
a. Of course, sir. (getting out)
b. What? In this weather?
c. Are you kidding? I'm too drunk to stand up!
d. First, repeat after me: "I realize that you are not Rodney King."
e. This is a motorcycle, dumbass.
4. Walk along this line.
a. Yes sir. (walking the line)
b. No thanks...I just snorted one.
c. Duuuude...which one? The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
in the middle that's laughing at me?
d. Are you sure you wouldn't rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?
5. You call that a straight line?
a. Yes, sir.
b. Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern! (NOTE: This is
stolen from Emo Phillips)
6. Do you want to spend the night in jail?
a. No sir.
b. What are they serving for dinner?
c. That depends. Are YOU gonna be there, big fella? (smiling
seductively)
d. Do the cells have ESPN?
e. Sure! I haven't seen your mom in months!
7. Hey, that's my car! Don't pee on that!
a. Yes, sir (zipping up)
b. Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)
SCORING
-------
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered "a".
Give yourself 83 points if you answered "e" for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn't going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer "b" of #5 from an Emo
Phillips routine.
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.
Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
cop.
|
| A Totally California State Residency Application |
Category: TestsRating: 0 0
Like, A Totally California State Residency Application...
man...
Name:
(Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
"Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)
Age: _____________
Inner Child's Age: _______
Age in Dog Years: _______
Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________
Sex:
_____ M _____ F
_____ Hermaphrodite
_____ Still working it out in therapy
Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly
____ Like, whenever I get to
the beach, man...
Occupation:
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counsel
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not
merely Grateful)
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie
burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry
Garcia
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim
Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________
Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate
____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
rent
was cheap
____ My dog's massage therapist
____ "Just Friends"
____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
as
tax deduction(s)
Number of Children in Commune: _____
Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of
Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____
Mother's Name: ____________________ Father's Name: ____________________
Where were you were conceived:
____ Woodstock
____ Monterey
____ Under the stars on in the commune's
hot tub
____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the
way to a Dead show
Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
Number of copies sold: ____
Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
wind chimes: ___
Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____
Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse
____ The morning news' surf report
Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____
Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____
Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on
tour")
Number of bongs you own: ____
Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:
Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have
personalities)
____ Green Party
____ American Communist
Party
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
Hotline Party
____ New Age Goddess Party
How far is your home from the waterline:
___ Miles
___ Yards
___ Feet
___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in
true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose
Number of surfboards owned: ____
Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",
"like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
totally don't know)
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