Welcome to the War and Military jokes section of Joke Abyss!
| Good sales strategy |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 2 1
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,
the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't
have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only
has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?"
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| Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 1 0
Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable
childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he
joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the
sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating
out of the discarded cans and jars.
"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed. "You'll eat in
the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"
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| A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir.
I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.´" "So, did you jump?"
asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first.
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| MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
OFFICE IN LONDON--
written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M.
ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued
to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This
reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of
circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a
bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation
of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I
construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
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| The Army Airborne major was used to harassment... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."
|
| The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."
The CO said "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
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| Two men were boasting to each other... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
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| The new Ensign was assigned to subs... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed
of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the
number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
|
| Following some duty overseas, the officers... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were
planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being
an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from
some of the surrounding colleges to attend.
The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that
arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most
trustworthy students.
The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to
send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
|
| During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a
red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."
|
| What time is it? |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
afternoon."
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| A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days
compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days
compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this
man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
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| British Military Officer Fitness Reports |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
|
| A drill instructor at Airborne school was... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group
of new troops on making a proper jump. He told them:
"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up,
you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and
wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane."
After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and began
shoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooper
exited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someone
knocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping
his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked him
in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?
|
| As a sergeant in a parachute regiment... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time
excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump
School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
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| During an Army war game... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's
jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men
lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
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| Why did congress enact the Marine Corps? |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
Q. Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?
A. So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!
|
| Red shirt |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was
on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties,although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent
and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The
Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
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| A young soldier was making his first parachute jump... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to
ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't
open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after
you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary
"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to
ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.
He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't
open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that
goddamn truck won't be there either!"
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| A sailor and a marine are taking a piss... |
Category: War and MilitaryRating: 0 0
A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The
marine finishes first and
washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine
says to him: hey, in the
marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The
sailor says: yeah well, in
the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
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